Dear Apocalypse,

I have been waiting for the end of the world ever since Sunday school in the early 80's. I've read Revelations, Nostradamus, and many of the 2012 prophesies.

Are you coming or what?

I've Wikipedia'd Ragnarok and the Big Crunch. I even experienced KRXX's transformation to KXXR in 1994, when they played R.E.M.'s "End of the World" for two days straight.

For at least 2.5 decades, I was on my best behavior, fearing the end would come "like a thief in the night." I finished five sacraments (including Reconciliation, which is a fucking bitch), attended countless Masses, and even refrained from sex (really, I did), all in the name of being part of the Rapture.

But, Apocalypse never came.

As I grow older and wait for the End of the World, my patience is in short supply. My ability to live in fear is diminishing. I have text messaging; I have better things to do than wait.

Even recently, when birds were dropping from the sky in Kentucky and fish dying in mass in Louisiana, my reaction time was slow. I continued on my deviant path as though end times were just crying wolf.

As for 2012, it's really come down to a game of Chicken. Don't get too excited, Goody.

While I'm not opposed to falling to my knees and repenting, I am going to need to see some real proof that this IS IT.

If a meteor doesn't hit the Earth and California doesn't fall into the ocean, I'm just going to keep on living as though I'm the center of the universe and put Jesus on my nightstand until further notice.

Unrest in Cairo or an uproar in Tunsia just isn't going to cut it for this girl to get ready for salvation.