Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dear Bugs in My Apartment

Dear Bugs in My Apartment,

Whether you are an ant, or a fruit fly, or a box elder bug, or a moth... you were not invited into my apartment. I've been extremely patient with you, I think. But honestly, get out of my house. There is plenty of room outside for you, and nothing for you to eat in here anyway.

Since I have not signed any peace treaties I'm under no obligation to treat your prisoners of war humanely. I will not be merciful to your armies anymore. I will not capture and release you. I will not bother to dissuade you from entering the kill zone. This is my territory, and you are not permitted to stay here alive. This means you will be faced with flip flop swats and squishings, toilet drownings, and when necessary you will be vacuumed alive and left to die. I'm very serious. Cut the shit and leave me be. I'm enough of a spaz without having to deal with your antics too. I am your worst enemy.

With disdain, loathing, and ruthless cruelty,


Friday, September 24, 2010

Dear Kitchen Gadgets

Dear Kitchen Gadgets,

Why, no matter how many of you I collect, are there always more of you I seem to need in my kitchen? I have a grater, but suddenly, I also need a microplane. I have a Kitchenaid stand mixer, but today could have used an extra bowl... or two. I have two round cake pans, and a 9x13, but I really could use a square set as well. And don't get me started on roasting pans, garlic presses, basters and candy thermometers. How are there so many useful items just for food??? *sigh* I need more drawer space and a 'save Lia from ever trying to leave Bed Bath and Beyond without spending $100' registry. I just love you kitchen gadgets... I really do.

With lust and affection,


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Dear Justin Bieber superfans,

Dear Justin Bieber superfans,

Thank you for being SO ridiculous. (not all responses on this one are safe for work)
I could go on. But seriously, I nearly cried just laughing at these. Who cares if there's world hunger or global warming or human rights violations? With Bieber anything is possible. Without Bieber, apparently, everything is pointless.

Goodnight teenie bobbers - thanks for the giggles,


Dear politically interested citizens, media and politicians

Dear politically interested citizens, media and politicians,

Did you know that not everything is like pro-sports? For example, in sports, if you are rooting FOR one team, you are automatically AGAINST another. Simple. Us versus Them. We become passionate not only for our team, but against the other, and even more so in many cases against the other team's fans. Something in us is outraged that they can cheer for our enemies. However, not all of life works like this, nor should it.
If you are pro-choice, you are not anti-life. Many people are pro-choice and yet would like to prevent every single abortion from happening. If you are fiscally conservative, it does not necessarily mean you are anti-government. It means you are pro-effective and efficient spending. If you are you pro-government programs, it doesn't mean you're pro-wasteful spending, but instead that you believe that government has a role and responsibility to the individual well being of the people. If you are socially liberal it doesn't mean you're an atheist or an elitist and if you're socially conservative, it doesn't mean you're a right wing evangelical racist.
Not one person, no matter how polarized they seem to be, is this simple to know. Not one person's views are completely aligned with the stereotypes. When we see each other in this way we demean what it is to be a thinking, reasoning, changing, growing human. We demean the humanity in our fellow citizens and we easily can forget why we are proud to live in a nation that values personal liberty and freedoms for ALL. You may disagree with others, but this is not Us Versus Them, if anything it's become Us versus Us, and we all lose in that one.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Dear Administration,

Dear Administration,

Alumni are more likely stay active, donate and recruit from their school, if they have a good experience while they are students.


Ellie Rogers

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Dear Couples Getting Married

Dear Couples Getting Married,

Thanks for knowing who the sarcastic hecklers are going to be (you know, those of us giggling at our own commentary about boring toasts and instead telling less appropriate tales about you, or scoffing at wedding traditions in general) and sitting us in the back so we can all enjoy the evening. Much appreciated.

May your good strategic choices stay with you throughout your marriage,