Dear Apocalypse,

I have been waiting for the end of the world ever since Sunday school in the early 80's. I've read Revelations, Nostradamus, and many of the 2012 prophesies.

Are you coming or what?

I've Wikipedia'd Ragnarok and the Big Crunch. I even experienced KRXX's transformation to KXXR in 1994, when they played R.E.M.'s "End of the World" for two days straight.

For at least 2.5 decades, I was on my best behavior, fearing the end would come "like a thief in the night." I finished five sacraments (including Reconciliation, which is a fucking bitch), attended countless Masses, and even refrained from sex (really, I did), all in the name of being part of the Rapture.

But, Apocalypse never came.

As I grow older and wait for the End of the World, my patience is in short supply. My ability to live in fear is diminishing. I have text messaging; I have better things to do than wait.

Even recently, when birds were dropping from the sky in Kentucky and fish dying in mass in Louisiana, my reaction time was slow. I continued on my deviant path as though end times were just crying wolf.

As for 2012, it's really come down to a game of Chicken. Don't get too excited, Goody.

While I'm not opposed to falling to my knees and repenting, I am going to need to see some real proof that this IS IT.

If a meteor doesn't hit the Earth and California doesn't fall into the ocean, I'm just going to keep on living as though I'm the center of the universe and put Jesus on my nightstand until further notice.

Unrest in Cairo or an uproar in Tunsia just isn't going to cut it for this girl to get ready for salvation.

Dear State of the Union Address and Rebuttal

Dear State of the Union Address and Rebuttal:

I have some commentary for you, k? K.

Pros:

- Use of the word fierce in the first 30 seconds. Damn right Obama. We are fierce, and we’ll whoop yo ass you slut… wait… not Maury? Oh… ok, refocused.

- “Job” count: 31. Perhaps a bit overkill, but respectable.

- Extended religiosity of the rebuttal: Wow. Way to alienate more than half the country. Guess they’re not really your demographic anyway though, so they don’t matter, right?

- DREAM act support: Absolutely the right thing to do to allow undocumented immigrants who have been educated and have excelled here in the US to stay and become citizens. Difficult to structure though really… but I’m impressed by the shout out.

- High speed rail: After my pleasant Amtrak experience, I’d much prefer to be on a high speed rail line than on a plane. And the energy and emissions expended per passenger would be much lower. Hooray! MPLS would be much more appealing if Chicago wasn’t 7 hours in a car or 100+ dollars and still 2 ½ hours in the airport/plane.

- Admitting we have one of the highest corporate tax rates in the world – ballsy Obama, ballsy. Good luck on those loop holes though. Those loop holes pay for a lot of dinners on the hill.

- John Boehner looking like he’s about to poop his pants right up until the point when he cried. Wonderful.

- Making all the secretly racist white dudes who are afraid of A-rabs stand up to support American Muslims.

- Proper pronunciation of Pakistan. Fancy Harvard.

- Joe Biden fist pump. Hells ya. I’d ride the Amtrak with you any day Joe.

Cons:

- Awkward clapping as the mixed seating doesn’t allow for one ideological side to unify around if they will clap or not clap.

- Call to respect teachers… but no funding to actually do so.

- Michelle Bachman’s blush… Cover Girl apparently sent her too many free samples of “Pretty in Pink”

- John McCain smirking and clapping that ear marks are bad.

- Length – this is 2011, can you send me this in a text? Tweet? FB post? If not… it’s too f-ing long. Cut to the chase POTUS.

-Blatant American exceptionalism rhetoric: 61 minutes

- Awkward half clap as some of the audience googled a map of Sudan on their blackberries

- “Small business” or entrepreneur pandering: 6. At what point do small businesses go from being the end all be all to the evil giants who take advantage of us all? 500 employees? Is it based on departments? Maybe market cap? Where is this imaginary line of good and evil?

- Though the shout out to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal is good… the preceding comments that refer to all major faiths but not atheist is awkward. You can be a man who loves a man, but you better also love some monotheistic god or else.

-Paul Ryan’s plain awkward and creepy 400 Club delivery style. Is he trying to get me to send my gold in the mail? I think he just told us the rapture is here. I don’t know. I can’t even hear him. Though I think he just told us that free enterprise itself solves poverty which I’m pretty sure isn’t true… no matter what you think of unions now, there’s a reason they developed historically.

Dear City of Minneapolis,

Dear City of Minneapolis,

I appreciate that you have a 3 day tiered plowing system. That's fine. Day one, 8pm to 8am. Fine. No snow emergency routes. Got it. Dug out the car mid-snow storm, drove dangerously around Uptown, reparked. However, you have zero time between the snow emergency route plowing and the even side of the street plowing. Not easy. SO, I went out again, in the continuing storm, to move my car. 90 minutes, 2 people, 1 shovel, lots of cursing.... no luck. We got it 10 ft down the road where we couldn't even turn around to park on the other side. So... you may tow me in the morning at 8am, after you've plowed me in, and after the temps have dropped to a -25 windchill... but I wish you luck in that endeavor. It's a hot mess here. Good luck.

Love your frustrated snow bunny resident,

Lia

Dear Business School Mandated Lenovo Laptop,

Dear Business School Mandated Lenovo Laptop,

We argue a lot. I dislike all your terrible battery life, your inability to communicate with wireless printers without a fight, and your love of the blue screen. And, well, sometimes you overheat and get mad and make weird beeps at me too. Generally we just agree to disagree. However, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your irrationality. If I just restart you about 6 times in a row you usually let bygones be bygones and start up as if nothing had ever happened. That's a great trait. Thanks. Glad we've worked out a grumbly, only slightly bitter old couple-esque working relationship.

Best,

Lia

Dear those in Leadership

Dear those in Leadership,

So, you took that president/chair person position for that organization, huh? Bet you felt really great about that for about 3 days after elections. And then shit got kind of hard and busy and everyone wanted you to do stuff. Ya. Kind of how it goes. But might I make a suggestion?

There is a WIDE spectrum between being a fascist authoritative leader who bosses people on the board around and the leader who needs imput for EVERY decision. And both extremes are VERY irritating. So let me encourage you to just make some decisions and spare us all. Do we need to have a meeting? Have enough forsight to pick a time more than a week in advance (ideally 2) and people will work it out most of the time. Have a deadline to make decisions by about relatively simple/non-offensive matters? Just do it. Seriously. You're making me crazy and I'm tired of making sure everyone is on the same page over a 2 week debate about meeting times. I'm just going to start not showing up to meetings out of spite. Get it together executives - it's literally your job.

Dear Winter Drivers

Dear Winter Drivers,

Hey there fellow neighbor! Did you know it's winter now? Oh, you noticed because of the cold, right? Ya. So... when it's cold, and there's precipitation, sometimes it creates ice, or snow, or both. No big deal. Just what the weather does.

However, if you park outside, this may cause a little bit of an inconvenience to you. Your car might be covered in snow and/or ice in the morning or when you leave work, or anytime after such a precipitous event. Now, my suggestion would be to clean the window surfaces of your car before driving - you know, the windshield, the windows and mirrors you like to use for changing lanes, and the read window you used to use to see if anyone is behind you before you throw it into reverse. I know it's tempting just to hop in, crank the heat (which will not do anything at 18 degrees really), and go while tilting your head down to see through that tiny defrosted portion in front of you. I know. I'm tempted to do that too. However, it kind of limits your ability to a) see where you are going. b) see if other cars are in those spots you plan on driving into c) see if pedestrians are in those areas either. So... from those of us that spend the 10 minutes in the morning so that we don't kill ourselves and others, please be equally polite to not kill us with your ridiculous laziness.

Much appreciated,

Lia & all other drivers

PS: here are some instructions in case your laziness has just been a desperate cry for help.

Dear Spyhouse Coffee

Dear Spyhouse Coffee:

You really are a fickle friend. Though you are only 3 blocks from my house, you've nearly made me into an enemy. You burn my bagels (twice now... really? who wants to eat a rock solid bagel? No one. Gross), and you are ALWAYS full of hipsters. So many of all varieties, but not so many it's interesting.

However, I can forgive you. You know why? Convenience. You prove your worth by having a plethora of plugs for laptops, pots of green tea, and free wifi. And for now, the hipsters are being nice and sharing their tables, so we can hug and make up. And I'll stop trying to eat your bagels.

Best,

Lia