Dear Delta,

Your safety demonstration video actress is very sultry. In fact, she made me seriously consider my heterosexuality. I found her especially enticing when she made that "you are being naughty" gesture when advising passengers that smoking is not allowed.

However, I feel compelled to point out to you that while she did capture everyone's attention, is 'stimulated' really how you want your passengers to feel prior to take off?

Additionally, while her attractiveness cannot be denied, it my serve you to realize that your passengers are not all rich middle-aged men who can afford such eye candy and bi-curious, sexually confident women. Thus, I'm concerned this video is not supporting a respectful passenger/flight attendant relationship, given that post video many will be fantasizing about joining the mile high club, rather than following crew instructions.

Finally, in the interest of equanimity, if you are going to keep that particular video, than it's fair for those who are female heterosexuals or male homosexuals to see an equally attractive male actor. I prefer Daniel Craig or someone of equal caliber.

Sincerely,

Danielle Rogers

Dear Sprint

Dear Sprint-

It's a shame it's come down to this, because at the core I do like you. Your plan prices are reasonable, you have unlimited data (if my phone could actually utilize all that w/o shutting off... it can't), and your store employees are generally nice. HOWEVER, let's chat math, shall we?

I bought my HTC Hero in June of 2010 from you. It cost me around $100 on sale when I signed up. However, it quickly lost all real value when the Evo came out. So... I think you got a fair shake getting rid of it. In fact, I'm sure that's why the salesman tried to sell me on it in the first place. I've used it happily for all these months, but now, in order to get my email to sync I have to hard reset it every 3 weeks. It's NOT manageable, nor reasonable.

Monthly, I pay $8 for insurance. Plus, if I file an insurance claim that's $100 deductible. SO, to replace my phone with a refurbished replica, which would still be so outdated people laugh at me when I bring it in for service... that will cost me 8*16 months = $128 + 100 = $228.

If I'd like to trade the exact same phone in to your buyback program... you'll give me $25. A $223 difference in value depending on who is holding the phone?

In addition, if I do trade in my phone for $25, I need a new phone, right? Well... I have 140 days until I'm 'eligible' for that. SO, a comparable phone that utilizes my data plan etc. will cost me ~$450-800. Twice what I paid for my original phone, and I'm sure 1000 times what they pay in the 'buyback' program for the same phone.

LAST OPTION:

Well... faced with those options, I could just cancel my contract for my prorated rate of $120. And resign up (or go with another carrier... probably Verizon)... get the same damn plan, and an iPhone for $99. Because you are willing to subsidize those phones by about $450 PER NEW CUSTOMER in order to draw away a small % of those on AT&T and Verizon instead of retaining those who already realized you offer a good value.

I'm in business school. I'm focusing in strategy. I'm also in policy school. I'm focusing in evaluation. I've done some evaluating, and from both sides, this disrespect and disdain for your current customers is bad business strategy, and bad policy. Additionally, after talking to 6... yes 6... customer service reps today on the phone AND in a store, I've realized that even they acknowledge that this phone is a piece of crap and outdated, and that your policies are pretty resoundingly unfriendly to customers. More than one person tried to help me, as a customer, get around your poor policies when it's a reasonable request.

I'm not a consumer advocate. I'm just a very busy dual masters degree student who also works part time and runs a consulting group... you know... for fun. I have shit to do, and need a phone that does it. You are now not just an irritation but in my way of getting things done... and that's a stupid place to put yourself.

Dear Food Network et al

Dear Food Network et al,

Oh all you recipe writers, both great (aka on TV) and small (aka those who post on their own blogs that no one reads)... you have a piece of my heart. You create and then share how to create with the world, in a cycle rarely replicated in other arts. I mean, it's not often you see a sculptor create something and then give explicit directions on how to do it. I respect the level of creative sharing that exists in the food world in many respects. But we really have to talk about what counts as a 'recipe.' Three ingredients, and only one is unprocessed? NOT a recipe. That's a back of a Betty Crocker brownie mix. Any recipe that involves 'Cream of ______ Soup"? Not a recipe. Maybe that's the way your mom did it, but she really should have taught you how to make a creamy stock like your grandma did. Seriously. It's not rocket science, and that would make it a recipe.

I'm not trying to be elitist, I just prefer that if I'm going to cook something that it actually lists all the ingredients. When we use things like Bisquick or Cheesy Taco seasoning mix (which are all well and good in a pinch for quick meals, but not literally cooking) I can't tell what's in my finished meal. MSG? Probably. Xantham gum? Yup. Partially hydrogenated soybean oil? Perhaps. The list could go on. When I follow a recipe I would like all ingredients to be things I buy at the store that I can eat: whole non-dehydrated vegetables, spices sans fillers, close to whole grains. This helps me be able to feed those with dietary needs without worry and makes me feel like I'm eating real food. From now on I'm calling your instructions Processed Meal Plans, not recipes. Please label them accordingly from now on so that when I google for recipes they do not come up in my results.

Much appreciated!

-Lia

Dear Scientology... or Dear Hulu... or both

From time to time I like to catch up on the Daily Show on Hulu during my lunch break. Living in DC for the summer has only heightened my desire to both know more about and mock the political system, so it's calming really. Certainly better than spending lunch sending frustrated tweets at Congressional leaders (ok, mostly Boehner and Pelosi honestly) from my phone.

So, I'm getting ready to watch some Jon Stewart and some snark about heat waves and gay marriage in NY and debt talks and I have an advertisement before the show starts. Pretty normal for Hulu, who usually at least has decent placement for the demographics (though really, no one watching this much Comedy Central can afford a new car. Honestly. Most of us are unemployed and living at our parents' house). ANYWAY, if given the choice, I generally take the normal commercial breaks but I was struck by the advertiser of choice. The Church of Scientology. So I watched the full run... and you can too!

Does this ad tell us anything ABOUT the religion? Nope. Does it ask us to join? Well... not really, though it slyly tells us that doing so will make us nicer, more wealthy, more moral and overall just better. Does it look more like a Sprint smartphone than a church ad? Absolutely (though what IS a church ad anyway?). Perhaps they were inspired by the recent "I'm a Mormon" radio ads which only taught me I can be a red headed firefighter who does jujitsu and still be Mormon. Neat. But more importantly than the feel good, American as apple pie sentiments is the placement.

The Daily Show? Hulu? Who are you trying to convince? Young, college educated, mostly nonreligious pot smokers (not me... but let's go with the stereotype here). Is this who you want to convince of your educational volunteering and anti-drug benevolence? Shouldn't you be advertising on NBA nightly news to the old, white, powerful VPs and CEOs across the nation so they can give you more money to be enlightened? Or convincing those much more likely to lynch you, like right wing Christian extremists with access to explosive material thanks to their cousin's meth lab, a la Fox News?

Honestly, I'm just confused now. If you want to reach the youth, keep flaunting your famous members. If you want to get the hippies, stick with the fliers for 'Free Personality Tests!' you used to hand out in front of urban Trader Joe's locations. If you want to reach 20 & 30 something liberals unoffiliated with religion... please just logically explain to me why and I will notify them. I do go to policy school, so I know most of them.

If you would like to explain yourself... please do. I will be reading my comments frequently. Or feel free to tweet me @Lia_Bia if you only need 140 characters to render my confusion null.

Dear Summer Government Interns

Dear Summer Government Interns,

Hooray! Your dad made some calls and you got a job sitting at the front desk answering a Congressman's crazy constituent calls and sorting mail. Congrats! Your labor will be mind numbing, but it'll look good on the resume. You are part of an elite group of Hill staff. Great. However, I think we should talk about how to not just get a job like an adult, but also look like one.

Now, we all know I'm not a big fan of business attire. I'm much happier in flip flops and a cotton sun dress. Maybe a cardigan for that chilly A/C. But you can only wear that at small nonprofits. Even I have submitted to wearing button ups, and Ann Taylor skirts, and having a suit jacket on hand. So, if I can do it, you can too. So I've created a few rules of thumb to help you!

Things you can wear to work: heels of a reasonable height that you can walk in, dress pants, professional skirts, and flowy blouses. I'd also suggest solid colors, or at least non-animal prints.

Things you cannot wear to work: stretchy skirts you wear to go clubbing, anything that shows your bra straps, anything you couldn't wear to my public high school (aka, your skirts must reach your fingertips, and your top straps can't be thinner than 2 fingers), anything from Bebe or Forever 21, because this is what they list under 'career.'

Seriously? Only appropriate if your career is selling weed from the back of your boyfriend's van all summer. Ridiculous.

In any case, it's a near miracle more of you don't end up sleeping with Senators or getting lewd texts from Congressional leadership, as from my experience, half the Hill work population and staff is dressed in Saturday night sorostitute attire 8-5pm Monday - Friday. *sigh* These are the future politicians of America people. And we wonder why no one likes politicians.

GOP Debate Wordle

I'm getting really into infographics as of lately, and trying to learn any free software I can get my hands on to make them. However, wordle is BY far the easiest, especially with text. I will be trying to post wordles of speeches and debates when I can, because I think it's interesting.

So... 6.13.2011 CNN GOP debate wordle

(names, titles, common english words like as and the etc. have been removed for obvious reasons)

if you want to take a better look... http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/3763923/6-13-2011_GOP_Debate_2.0

Dear MNer's running for GOP Candidate

Dear MNer's running for GOP Candidate,

Dear Bachmann - Without the EPA, all of your foster children would have defects/diseases from polluted water and cancer from asbestos in their schools. I'm proud to live in a country that spends resources preserving our natural environment that WE LIVE IN. Also, when you said 'if I was commander in chief' I felt very nauseous. I'm also very puzzled how Obama could have LED the initiative in Libya at the same exact time he should have not chosen to go INTO Libya. I'm pretty sure you can't lead bombings in a country you're not bombing... huh?

Dear Pawlenty - Thanks for totally pulling a passive aggressive Minnesotan when confronted with 'Obamney Care' comment. We all know that the healthcare bill was modeled after the Massachussetts state healthcare mandate (with state option! *gasp*). If you don't like it, or Romney for signing it, though it was good for those in the state, MAN UP and say it to his face! You looked like a scrawny kid who was trying to be a bully but ended up running away crying. I can see why Bachmann dislikes you so much... she has bigger balls... ovaries?... whatever.

Minnesota - You're better than this.

Dear Pop Culture Fiends

Dear Pop Culture Fiends,

Perhaps I'm just getting old and curmudgeony, or I just spend far too much time doing work for grad school... but ENOUGH. Unless it's Halloween, there is no need to mimic Lady Gaga's (or god forbid Snookie's, or even Arrested Development never-nude jorts) wardrobe out on the weekends

and post a facebook album dedicated to the adventure, nor must you now use 'tiger blood' and 'winning' in every sentence and laugh because you're clearly not as crazy as Charlie Sheen (though potentially still less funny... which is scary). I mean, I like to check in on the good old People.com from time to time, but I don't structure my evenings around my shows (or Netflix/Hulu queue), nor do my personal emails have more to do with the lives of celebrities I'll never meet (this includes 16 and pregnant stars who are now on magazine covers) than my own. Call me self centered, but I think those I talk with would like to know more about me than about which Showtime stars eloped and then got divorced last week. Additionally, unless you're on SNL, there's no need to mimic the language and idiosyncrasies of those you see on TV (except Bieber hair.. that's fair game)

I guess what I'm trying to say here is be like Sarah Palin and read EVERYTHING that comes across your desk, not just the US Weekly. Please... I'm begging you.

Dear Apocalypse,

I have been waiting for the end of the world ever since Sunday school in the early 80's. I've read Revelations, Nostradamus, and many of the 2012 prophesies.

Are you coming or what?

I've Wikipedia'd Ragnarok and the Big Crunch. I even experienced KRXX's transformation to KXXR in 1994, when they played R.E.M.'s "End of the World" for two days straight.

For at least 2.5 decades, I was on my best behavior, fearing the end would come "like a thief in the night." I finished five sacraments (including Reconciliation, which is a fucking bitch), attended countless Masses, and even refrained from sex (really, I did), all in the name of being part of the Rapture.

But, Apocalypse never came.

As I grow older and wait for the End of the World, my patience is in short supply. My ability to live in fear is diminishing. I have text messaging; I have better things to do than wait.

Even recently, when birds were dropping from the sky in Kentucky and fish dying in mass in Louisiana, my reaction time was slow. I continued on my deviant path as though end times were just crying wolf.

As for 2012, it's really come down to a game of Chicken. Don't get too excited, Goody.

While I'm not opposed to falling to my knees and repenting, I am going to need to see some real proof that this IS IT.

If a meteor doesn't hit the Earth and California doesn't fall into the ocean, I'm just going to keep on living as though I'm the center of the universe and put Jesus on my nightstand until further notice.

Unrest in Cairo or an uproar in Tunsia just isn't going to cut it for this girl to get ready for salvation.

Dear State of the Union Address and Rebuttal

Dear State of the Union Address and Rebuttal:

I have some commentary for you, k? K.

Pros:

- Use of the word fierce in the first 30 seconds. Damn right Obama. We are fierce, and we’ll whoop yo ass you slut… wait… not Maury? Oh… ok, refocused.

- “Job” count: 31. Perhaps a bit overkill, but respectable.

- Extended religiosity of the rebuttal: Wow. Way to alienate more than half the country. Guess they’re not really your demographic anyway though, so they don’t matter, right?

- DREAM act support: Absolutely the right thing to do to allow undocumented immigrants who have been educated and have excelled here in the US to stay and become citizens. Difficult to structure though really… but I’m impressed by the shout out.

- High speed rail: After my pleasant Amtrak experience, I’d much prefer to be on a high speed rail line than on a plane. And the energy and emissions expended per passenger would be much lower. Hooray! MPLS would be much more appealing if Chicago wasn’t 7 hours in a car or 100+ dollars and still 2 ½ hours in the airport/plane.

- Admitting we have one of the highest corporate tax rates in the world – ballsy Obama, ballsy. Good luck on those loop holes though. Those loop holes pay for a lot of dinners on the hill.

- John Boehner looking like he’s about to poop his pants right up until the point when he cried. Wonderful.

- Making all the secretly racist white dudes who are afraid of A-rabs stand up to support American Muslims.

- Proper pronunciation of Pakistan. Fancy Harvard.

- Joe Biden fist pump. Hells ya. I’d ride the Amtrak with you any day Joe.

Cons:

- Awkward clapping as the mixed seating doesn’t allow for one ideological side to unify around if they will clap or not clap.

- Call to respect teachers… but no funding to actually do so.

- Michelle Bachman’s blush… Cover Girl apparently sent her too many free samples of “Pretty in Pink”

- John McCain smirking and clapping that ear marks are bad.

- Length – this is 2011, can you send me this in a text? Tweet? FB post? If not… it’s too f-ing long. Cut to the chase POTUS.

-Blatant American exceptionalism rhetoric: 61 minutes

- Awkward half clap as some of the audience googled a map of Sudan on their blackberries

- “Small business” or entrepreneur pandering: 6. At what point do small businesses go from being the end all be all to the evil giants who take advantage of us all? 500 employees? Is it based on departments? Maybe market cap? Where is this imaginary line of good and evil?

- Though the shout out to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal is good… the preceding comments that refer to all major faiths but not atheist is awkward. You can be a man who loves a man, but you better also love some monotheistic god or else.

-Paul Ryan’s plain awkward and creepy 400 Club delivery style. Is he trying to get me to send my gold in the mail? I think he just told us the rapture is here. I don’t know. I can’t even hear him. Though I think he just told us that free enterprise itself solves poverty which I’m pretty sure isn’t true… no matter what you think of unions now, there’s a reason they developed historically.

Dear City of Minneapolis,

Dear City of Minneapolis,

I appreciate that you have a 3 day tiered plowing system. That's fine. Day one, 8pm to 8am. Fine. No snow emergency routes. Got it. Dug out the car mid-snow storm, drove dangerously around Uptown, reparked. However, you have zero time between the snow emergency route plowing and the even side of the street plowing. Not easy. SO, I went out again, in the continuing storm, to move my car. 90 minutes, 2 people, 1 shovel, lots of cursing.... no luck. We got it 10 ft down the road where we couldn't even turn around to park on the other side. So... you may tow me in the morning at 8am, after you've plowed me in, and after the temps have dropped to a -25 windchill... but I wish you luck in that endeavor. It's a hot mess here. Good luck.

Love your frustrated snow bunny resident,

Lia

Dear Business School Mandated Lenovo Laptop,

Dear Business School Mandated Lenovo Laptop,

We argue a lot. I dislike all your terrible battery life, your inability to communicate with wireless printers without a fight, and your love of the blue screen. And, well, sometimes you overheat and get mad and make weird beeps at me too. Generally we just agree to disagree. However, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your irrationality. If I just restart you about 6 times in a row you usually let bygones be bygones and start up as if nothing had ever happened. That's a great trait. Thanks. Glad we've worked out a grumbly, only slightly bitter old couple-esque working relationship.

Best,

Lia

Dear those in Leadership

Dear those in Leadership,

So, you took that president/chair person position for that organization, huh? Bet you felt really great about that for about 3 days after elections. And then shit got kind of hard and busy and everyone wanted you to do stuff. Ya. Kind of how it goes. But might I make a suggestion?

There is a WIDE spectrum between being a fascist authoritative leader who bosses people on the board around and the leader who needs imput for EVERY decision. And both extremes are VERY irritating. So let me encourage you to just make some decisions and spare us all. Do we need to have a meeting? Have enough forsight to pick a time more than a week in advance (ideally 2) and people will work it out most of the time. Have a deadline to make decisions by about relatively simple/non-offensive matters? Just do it. Seriously. You're making me crazy and I'm tired of making sure everyone is on the same page over a 2 week debate about meeting times. I'm just going to start not showing up to meetings out of spite. Get it together executives - it's literally your job.

Dear Winter Drivers

Dear Winter Drivers,

Hey there fellow neighbor! Did you know it's winter now? Oh, you noticed because of the cold, right? Ya. So... when it's cold, and there's precipitation, sometimes it creates ice, or snow, or both. No big deal. Just what the weather does.

However, if you park outside, this may cause a little bit of an inconvenience to you. Your car might be covered in snow and/or ice in the morning or when you leave work, or anytime after such a precipitous event. Now, my suggestion would be to clean the window surfaces of your car before driving - you know, the windshield, the windows and mirrors you like to use for changing lanes, and the read window you used to use to see if anyone is behind you before you throw it into reverse. I know it's tempting just to hop in, crank the heat (which will not do anything at 18 degrees really), and go while tilting your head down to see through that tiny defrosted portion in front of you. I know. I'm tempted to do that too. However, it kind of limits your ability to a) see where you are going. b) see if other cars are in those spots you plan on driving into c) see if pedestrians are in those areas either. So... from those of us that spend the 10 minutes in the morning so that we don't kill ourselves and others, please be equally polite to not kill us with your ridiculous laziness.

Much appreciated,

Lia & all other drivers

PS: here are some instructions in case your laziness has just been a desperate cry for help.

Dear Spyhouse Coffee

Dear Spyhouse Coffee:

You really are a fickle friend. Though you are only 3 blocks from my house, you've nearly made me into an enemy. You burn my bagels (twice now... really? who wants to eat a rock solid bagel? No one. Gross), and you are ALWAYS full of hipsters. So many of all varieties, but not so many it's interesting.

However, I can forgive you. You know why? Convenience. You prove your worth by having a plethora of plugs for laptops, pots of green tea, and free wifi. And for now, the hipsters are being nice and sharing their tables, so we can hug and make up. And I'll stop trying to eat your bagels.

Best,

Lia

Dear Man on Dupont Ave,

Dear Man on Dupont Ave,

You are standing, presumably, directly outside my window. I cannot see you, but you must be right below my kitchen. Of course, this is fine, because it's a nice corner to stand on, I suppose. But my real question is why are you yelling a story about your brother's ex bf wanting to have an all dude three way with you? Who are you telling this tale to in such an animated and boisterous fashion? You sound either alarmed or thrilled or both. Perhaps both is most accurate. Far be it from me to judge, but why are you sharing this with me while I read about corporate social responsibility? Why are you so gossipy about this proposal? I am ever so curious now, which is distracting me from the tasks at hand. Do finish your story now that you've started please. Seriously --- Don't walk away! No!!!!!

Curiously,

Lia

Dear Bugs in My Apartment

Dear Bugs in My Apartment,

Whether you are an ant, or a fruit fly, or a box elder bug, or a moth... you were not invited into my apartment. I've been extremely patient with you, I think. But honestly, get out of my house. There is plenty of room outside for you, and nothing for you to eat in here anyway.

Since I have not signed any peace treaties I'm under no obligation to treat your prisoners of war humanely. I will not be merciful to your armies anymore. I will not capture and release you. I will not bother to dissuade you from entering the kill zone. This is my territory, and you are not permitted to stay here alive. This means you will be faced with flip flop swats and squishings, toilet drownings, and when necessary you will be vacuumed alive and left to die. I'm very serious. Cut the shit and leave me be. I'm enough of a spaz without having to deal with your antics too. I am your worst enemy.

With disdain, loathing, and ruthless cruelty,

Lia

Dear Kitchen Gadgets

Dear Kitchen Gadgets,

Why, no matter how many of you I collect, are there always more of you I seem to need in my kitchen? I have a grater, but suddenly, I also need a microplane. I have a Kitchenaid stand mixer, but today could have used an extra bowl... or two. I have two round cake pans, and a 9x13, but I really could use a square set as well. And don't get me started on roasting pans, garlic presses, basters and candy thermometers. How are there so many useful items just for food??? *sigh* I need more drawer space and a 'save Lia from ever trying to leave Bed Bath and Beyond without spending $100' registry. I just love you kitchen gadgets... I really do.

With lust and affection,

Lia

Dear Justin Bieber superfans,

Dear Justin Bieber superfans,

Thank you for being SO ridiculous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCm8tdHkfI

http://whatwouldidoforbieber.com/desperate.php (not all responses on this one are safe for work)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANT78rISjDc

I could go on. But seriously, I nearly cried just laughing at these. Who cares if there's world hunger or global warming or human rights violations? With Bieber anything is possible. Without Bieber, apparently, everything is pointless.

Goodnight teenie bobbers - thanks for the giggles,

Lia

Dear politically interested citizens, media and politicians

Dear politically interested citizens, media and politicians,

Did you know that not everything is like pro-sports? For example, in sports, if you are rooting FOR one team, you are automatically AGAINST another. Simple. Us versus Them. We become passionate not only for our team, but against the other, and even more so in many cases against the other team's fans. Something in us is outraged that they can cheer for our enemies. However, not all of life works like this, nor should it.

If you are pro-choice, you are not anti-life. Many people are pro-choice and yet would like to prevent every single abortion from happening. If you are fiscally conservative, it does not necessarily mean you are anti-government. It means you are pro-effective and efficient spending. If you are you pro-government programs, it doesn't mean you're pro-wasteful spending, but instead that you believe that government has a role and responsibility to the individual well being of the people. If you are socially liberal it doesn't mean you're an atheist or an elitist and if you're socially conservative, it doesn't mean you're a right wing evangelical racist.

Not one person, no matter how polarized they seem to be, is this simple to know. Not one person's views are completely aligned with the stereotypes. When we see each other in this way we demean what it is to be a thinking, reasoning, changing, growing human. We demean the humanity in our fellow citizens and we easily can forget why we are proud to live in a nation that values personal liberty and freedoms for ALL. You may disagree with others, but this is not Us Versus Them, if anything it's become Us versus Us, and we all lose in that one.