Dear Fake Homeless Guy,

Dear Fake Homeless Guy,

There you are, cardboard sign in hand. "Need help. God Bless." It's 92 degrees and humid; you clearly look uncomfortable standing on your chosen plot while sweat drips down your face.

We agree, you do need help. But, perhaps in the form of advice rather than coins and bills.

You see, just as the thought, "Should I give this guy some money?" begins to creep into the passerby's brain, other thoughts likely follow. "He's kinda cute. Nice haircut. Wow. That white t-shirt sure is crisp. No armpit stains. His face as smooth as a baby's butt. Nice shave. I wonder where he keeps his backpack?"

At various moments in this thought process, depending on the intellect of the passerby, a light bulb floats overhead and the following conclusion is inevitably reached:

"Wait a minute, he doesn't look homeless. I will not give him money."

So, here's our suggestion Fake Homeless Guy. When you wake up in your boyhood bedroom in Edina and your mom starts nagging you to get a job, but you decide you'd rather stand outside than work, consider the following: Grab a little dirt and some water from your 'water feature' and smear it around your body and clothes. This will make the idea that you've been outside for awhile more believable. No matter how much your mom nags you, do not get a haircut within a week of begging - same goes for shaving. We know she will get upset, but it definitely works against the homeless look. Leave the styling gel alone, a less groomed look is completely acceptable. Finally, you might want to get a little tan, as the homeless people tend to appear to be overexposed. There are a few great tanning spots around some of the wonderful lakes in your neighborhood.

If you follow our suggestions, you should have some more success.


Sincerely,

Ellie and Lia