Dear Socially Awkward Doctor

Dear Socially Awkward Doctor,

I came to see you to make sure my health was in check - - for one ailment or another. I understand the dynamic of our relationship fully. I describe my symptoms, offer my hypothesis and let you ask necessary questions, examine me, and make your diagnosis.

Sometimes we make pleasant conversation to make the transaction more tolerable, but that's the extent of our interaction. Unless, you are socially awkward.

In that case, you sheepishly look at my body, as though you aren't supposed to. No doctor, I need you to look, thoroughly. We both know I'm naked under this gown for a reason. Now look already. I don't care how it might make you feel.

You use words like "slice" and "punch" and "stitch" that indicate a great deal of pain is in my future. Some things, doctor, are better left unsaid. Consider substituting "slice" with "remove" or "extract." That's a little less graphic and scary.

You ask multiple times, if the patient wants to watch or see. I can forgive the first time, when I politely declined. However, if I wasn't comfortable watching 1 minute ago, it's unlikely my opinion changed. Stop trying to persuade me.

Same thing goes for, "Do you want to keep it?" If a patient seems squeamish about needles or knifes, they probably don't want anything in a jar for a souvenir.

Finally, when you say, "We will call you with the lab results in a week," please call. Doctor, if something needs to go to a lab and the results need to be communicated, please know that your patient is anxiously awaiting. It's not like a bad date, where "I'll call you" is just a polite way of saying, "I will never see you again." Lab results are part of the deal.

Well, doctor, I hope you find my suggestions helpful. Who knows? If you follow my advice, get a sense of humor and smile, you might even attract a med student to give you a good reason to feel awkward.

Sincerely,

Ellie